Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
