pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Randomize
