Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
