R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
