What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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