please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
