White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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