I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
