The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
