not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
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