I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
false alarm, still single
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
