Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pants are for mortals
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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