Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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