Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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