2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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