he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
