I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Swine flu. Run for my life!
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
