I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
