I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
she peed on how many people?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
