i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
