sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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