Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
