sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
