at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
