If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize