Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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