Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
