we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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