You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
