Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No stitches, just platelets and will power
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
