Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
