happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize