Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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