My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
