Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
