i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
