we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
