I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
my phone needs a breathalizer
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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