I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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