I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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