Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
