Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
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