I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
