I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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