I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
