Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
