i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She even gives head with a lisp.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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