Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
