this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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