anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
