Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
My day in three words: secret purse cake
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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