Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
