What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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