did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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