I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
