Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Randomize
