I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
