...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
