im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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