When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Randomize