Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
