wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
