Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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