Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
