Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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