If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
i think my mom watched the whole time
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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