Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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